If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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