You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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