Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
