help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
