So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
