The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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