My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
