My hair reeks of homosexuality.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
