I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
