i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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