So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
