mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
