Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
