I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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