i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
