Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
