he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
