Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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