So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
