How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Welp...herpes.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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