He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
