May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
