she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
