Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
