Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
