party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Randomize
