Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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