Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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