i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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