i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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