why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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