I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
