You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
