I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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