I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
