After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
