we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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