Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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