sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
