My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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