Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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