Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
