Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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