im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
