how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
