you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
