Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
