Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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