He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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