Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
