DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
