JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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