I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
